Grooming & Red Flag Behaviors
Grooming
One common strategy for those who sexually abuse children is grooming. Grooming is manipulative behavior the abuser uses to gain access to a potential victim, coerce them to agree to the abuse, and reduce the risk of being caught.
Grooming can take place over a short or prolonged period of time (weeks, months, or years). It can occur online or in-person, and it often occurs by someone known and trusted by the child and/or family. Grooming behaviors typically look innocent. We tend to see behaviors like horseplay, sitting on a lap, or spending a lot of time with a child only problematic after abuse has occurred. This is known as hindsight bias. (Elizabeth Jeglic, 2022)
RED FLAG BEHAVIORS
Identification of red flag grooming behaviors can help in the prevention and detection of child sexual abuse. Be careful about making accusations because, as mentioned above, sometimes innocent actions can seem like grooming … with that being said, it’s always important to trust what you feel. If you have concerns about a specific individual and their behavior around your child, it’s important to ensure your child is not left alone with that person.
HERE ARE SOME POTENTIAL RED FLAG BEHAVIORS TO PAY ATTENTION TO:
• A person who seeks to have 1:1 time with your child or special outings.
° This may serve as an opportunity to get your child alone & isolated. “Can he come with me to the store?” “I can pick her up from school to help you out.”
• A person who is overly interested in your child and gives the child extra attention.
° This is a way for an abuser to make your child feel special or unique. Abusers will sometimes seek out children who they know are yearning for attention and will try to fill an emotional gap the child may have. (Elizabeth Jeglic, 2022)
• A person who buys gifts or special treats for your child for no apparent reason.
° Abusers may provide your child with toys, money, or treats. This strategy is a tool that abusers may use to draw your child in and helps establish the relationship as special.
• A person who is very touchy with your child, and it may occur in front of trusted adults.
° Abusers will test the limits by starting to introduce touch into the relationship. They might put their arm around the child or ask for a hug to see how the child reacts. They may do this in front of other adults. If the caregiver does not intervene or object, it can confuse the child on what type of touch is appropriate. (Grooming and Red Flag Behaviors, n.d.)
° It may start as a more playful touch, such as wrestling or tickling, and will turn into more sexual touch (as simple as cuddling under a blanket together).
• A person who finds out what your child likes and is interested in and then flatters the child by claiming to have the same interests.
° Abusers may exploit a child’s natural curiosity to do this. Whether your child loves basketball or Taylor Swift, abusers sometimes become interested in and knowledgeable about whatever sparks the interest of your child.
° Abusers may pretend to be a good friend to your child, even a “best friend.”
• A person who offers to provide free childcare/babysitting as a favor.
° Consider the “why” behind the motivation of anyone who is eager to babysit for you but isn’t on your go-to list, like a typical sitter. If a family friend or co-worker is offering to babysit for free, consider that a possible red flag if you don’t have good reason to trust their intentions.
• A person who goes above and beyond to be helpful to parents/caregivers. This is done in order to gain trust.
Overall, it is important to exercise caution when you see adults giving an unusual amount of attention to a child or touching them unnecessarily, even in a playful manner. While we know that not every kind neighbor or doting family friend is a child abuser, we should be alert to the possibility.
After abuse occurs, it is common for abusers to utilize “maintenance behaviors,” such as telling the child not to tell anyone, encouraging secrets, giving rewards (toys, money), making the child feel like they are responsible for the abuse, or threatening the child (family rejection, abandonment, breaking up if they tell). (Elizabeth L. Jeglic, 2022)